Things I'd Love to Be Able to Say
An Open Letter to the Ex-Fiancée

Cut it out! You didn't want him — you told him explicitly that you didn't want him.

You're very lucky that he's still willing to be friends with you. I've never had an ex who wanted to maintain a friendship with me (except John, but he was out-of-the-ordinary on many planes).

Lady, I didn't do anything to you. I didn't steal him away from you. I wasn't around while you were letting the relationship disintegrate. The only thing I'm guilty of is having the same good taste in men that you have.

What is your objective when you try to disrupt our evenings together, when you try to insinuate yourself into our developing relationship? I know every time he has dinner with you, every time you call him and ask him to come over to talk about some aspect of your history together. To the best of my knowledge, there's nothing about his life that he doesn't tell me.

I treat your time together with respect. I don't call him when I know he's with you — I leave him alone and work on my own life. Why on earth do you insist on calling him or sending a text message when you know he's with me? Why can't you treat me with the same amount of respect as I afford you? Is this your way of moving on with your life? If so, I don't think it's working! I think you're being a manipulative vixen, and it isn't pretty.

Do you think your actions endear you to him? Do you think your actions make him want to leave my side and run to yours? Do you think, after one of your pranks, that I'm more or less inclined to be supportive of his friendship with you? Here are the answers: no; no; less inclined.

You may not be ticking him off enough to get some action out of him, but, Lady, you're tickin' me off! Your text message at 1:00 this morning didn't phase him, but it disturbed my sleep. And I get really cranky when I don't get a good night's sleep.

Let me give you the benefit of my age and experience: when you do tick him off enough to spur him to action, the action isn't going to be positive, definitely isn't going to bring him back into your life on a permanent basis.

So just cut it out!

(Okay, so I know she'll never read this, but at least I got it off my chest.)