In Mourning

I'm feeling incredibly sad this morning. Dinner with Mr. Match was on my calendar last night, but I never heard from him. After our initial phone conversation yesterday morning when I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted and let me know, I called him back and told him he deserved for us to talk about the issues face-to-face rather than just on the phone. He said he wasn't ready to do that at that time. That was 7:30 yesterday morning. Is that the last I'll ever hear from him?!

I've gotten so spoiled by the level of activity and connectedness in this relationship: phone calls the first thing every morning; a mid-day call to ask how my day was going; a 9:00 p.m. drink together or at the least a phone call recapping the day; lovely dinners and drinks and musical evenings; exquisite intimate evenings. There are so very many things about this man that I like — I could see in the relationship with him so many of the aspects that made the relationship with John so perfect. I could envisage finally having a happy life.

But my therapist said I was taking a big risk with him, given his track record. I countered that he told me he didn't like his extracurricular activities of the past and didn't want to behave that way again. My DIL (and others) didn't like that he left his profile active after having met me and professing his love for me. I gave all the excuses and rationales of his having been in relationships his entire life and wanting to experience being a bachelor.

But I told him over two months ago that he needed to be careful not to push me over the edge about all the women-on-Match. Friday night pushed me over the edge. What I felt on Friday night was absolutely not jealousy. It was righteous indignance — "I will not be treated this way". "Up with this I will not put."

I have experienced greater happiness over the past three months than in any three consecutive months in the past ten years. I thought I had finally found Him - Mr. Right. I'm incredibly sad at the potential loss of that dream.

Emotionally I'm at a point where he could still pull this out of the toilet, but his ego may not allow him to do that. And I think that's a great loss for both of us.