My Train of Thought Has Derailed

My thoughts are swirling today. I stepped into the shower and started wondering who invented the shower. Then I started wondering who invented this horror that is dating. Then, having been raised a strict creationist, I wondered who Adam and Eve's kids dated. Weren't they the only people on the earth? Is that an argument for Eden having been situated where West Virginia is today?

Are we placed on earth to learn something? Or to teach something? Of course, for every student there must be a teacher. I always think about what I have to give in a relationship. Maybe I need to change perspectives and think about what I have to learn so I can get it over with. Is life simply meant to be a string of three month relationships? God forbid! But when we learn what we've been sent here to learn, are we then allowed to die and get it over with?

Occasionally I love my life. When things are going well, I love my life. But all the planets have to be aligned for my assessment that things are going well. Right now my kids are good, the job is fabulous, the house is home, but the relationship is nebulous. And I'm losing hope that I'll ever have a relationship that's beyond nebulous.

That makes me want to turn into a hermit. Forget having a love life. It's an impossibility. There's not a man alive who is not so self-centered as to be able to have a lasting, committed relationship that is fulfilling to both parties.

And then I remember John. And I remember the happiness and contentment, even in the midst of his illness. And I cry. I cry for the memory of being happy and the despair of never having that again.

Life is too frigging long. My mother is 93. God forbid I live to my 90s or even my 80s. With momentary exceptions, life has not been happy. I'm not interested in continuing in this state of mind for another 40 years!

Ah, you've gotten a real treat today. The closet cynic stuck her toe out of the closet.