Saturday, March 29, 2008

Friendly Thoughts

The Traveler and I are having a couple of ongoing dating-related conversations, via wordy e-mails and lengthy drive-time phone conversations.

One relates to Dr. Laura Berman's Passion Files post on dating without feeling the "spark", the chemistry we all long for.

I love old Meg Ryan romantic comedies, particularly "You've Got Mail", but also "When Harry Met Sally". Every single adult woman knows, I believe, Harry's schtick on men and women not being able to be friends because "it's always out there."

I mentioned this friendship thing a week ago. I had another first date last night, a very nice man. Again, yet again in my life, I think this man could be a good friend. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is that we both play or have played accordian, for God's sake! That's rather uncommon. I can see taking day trips with him or doing fun activities, but I really don't foresee a romantic relationship. And I didn't sense that he felt that potential either.

Here's the problem when one person at a two-person table sees the potential for a friendship and nothing else. Both people have to agree that that's okay. There are times a man has said that to me and I've wanted to shout in my best Southern drawl, "You wanna be my friend?" There are times I think I've got enough friends. And then there are times I think one can never have enough friends.

Two friends I miss right now are Richard and Eduardo at Rio Café. For a year, I spent at least one dinner hour a week sitting at their bar, talking to them. Anytime I had a new date, a potential mate, I would take him in to Rio for my boys to check him out. I knew the next time I came in by myself, they would tell me exactly what they thought of him. And, to a man, they never thought he was good enough for me. He was either too old or too dull or too short. It's nice to have some friends who think you hung the moon, and who will give you the straight scoop whenever you need to hear it.

The Traveler's take on the whole dating without spark discussion was this:

I don't subscribe to the notion that men and women cannot be friends. That is probably true though after a breakup or when one party is in love without reciprocity.

There are women that I don't have strong romantic feelings for but, their personality, charm and charisma fascinates me. I really enjoy their companionship (presence) and conversation. In my case, if a woman is enthusiastic about her interests, and life is wonderful for her, then I pick up on those positive vibrations and it makes me feel deliciously good inside.

If both people feel the same connectivity of spirit that is tinged with ambivalence de amour, by all means, they should use the opportunity to get something out of the deal. It's more fun to socialize at events accompanied by a friend who is not a paramour, than to go solo.

Then, there is also networking opportunities socializing with a friend of the opposite sex. He or she might introduce a friend that "causes lightning to strike the table" as you have said previously.


One of the worst facets of dating at this age is the insecurities that pop up again. You thought you outgrew your insecurities when you donned that high school cap and gown? Nope.

You go home after a date. You review and relive every word and action from the date. You draw up your mental pro and con checklist. You make a preliminary decision of whather or not you want to see him again. And then you wonder what he thought. And the longer he waits to call you or e-mail you or text you, the more convinced you are that he had a horrible or boring time and never wants to see you again. It doesn't matter which way your preliminary decision went. Even if you think you don't want to see him again, you're suddenly disecting all your moves, wondering what you did wrong, why you said that foolish thing, and whether you'll get a do-over.

Honestly, the angst and anxiety is enough to make a person sit back and wait for friends to introduce her to "this friend who'll be perfect for you."

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