Emptiness

I spent much of Saturday afternoon and evening and Sunday morning sewing — finishing a tote bag I had promised to the Tucson Alumnae Panhellenic silent auction on Sunday. The retail value of the bag is around $50 and a lot of work goes into making it. My friend Maureen was the only person to bid on it and she walked away with it at $20. I'm also finishing two bags to give to the Art of Music event which benefits the Tucson Symphony.

But this sewing doesn't equal fun and I've pretty much decided with these last three bags that I'm not going to do this any more. I'm longing to sew for myself and there's no time to do so when I've promised so many goodies to other people.

I was nominated for the Athena Award for career achievement at the luncheon yesterday. I did not receive the award - the woman who won has focused her career on helping children. That always trumps any other career accomplishments! I really did not expect to win, so was fine with the outcome. I was rehearsing possible remarks in the event I did win, but truly was not surprised or disappointed.

As I was driving home after the luncheon, I was slapped upside the head with the realization that I'm now well and truly alone. I have been living my life around and for the kids at least since Boston's birth. Any time I wasn't needed by them, I would fill with sewing or pottery or girlfriends or whatever. But the most important facet of my life was helping my children and grandchildren have the best possible life. And now that's gone.

I feel like there's a vacuum inside of me, a big black hole. And I don't like that feeling.