The State of [My] Life

I'm in a one-foot-in-front-of the other time of life. I remember being here before. In the final three to six months of John's life, each day was an exercise in getting through that day, keeping tabs on his pain level, trying to find ways to make memories for his children, keeping everything at my job under control, dealing with day-to-day house stuff and work stuff and life stuff. But there was always an end in sight. Yes, the end of that period of time would coincide with the end of his life, and that still makes me sad. But at least there was an objective, of sorts.

Where I am now feels there's no objective, no goal, no end in sight. I spoke to my realtor today about the housing situation, which is very grim. I'm methodically getting the midtown house ready to sell, and inquiring about another tenant for the Continental Ranch house. I believe the midtown house would sell, but would end up costing me, as it's mortgaged to the hilt. And Continental Ranch is just overrun with houses and overflowing with repossessions. (Mr. Pulte! Hello! Stop building!!) The realtor says, "if you can find a tenant, lease it rather than trying to sell it."

I feel I have nothing to look forward to. I don't want to be here. I want to be in Youngstown where I can run over and babysit for a few hours so Ty and Jaci can go to a meeting or activity without worrying about the babies. I want to sew and create and not work 9-5. But so long as I have two houses and four mortgages, I'm trapped in this time and place. And there's not even a loved one to take my mind off the housing situation. There's not a man I can claim "item" status with to just call and talk about my day, about my life or lack thereof.

It could be worse. I know it could be worse. The woman Frank is crazy about is spending every day at the hospital where her 19yo son lies in a coma brought on by alcohol and drug abuse.

But for me it feels bleak and I don't like it. I don't like this umbrella of sadness.

At the funeral a few months ago for my Pi Phi friend Pat Davis, several people quoted her standard phrase, "I'm vertical and facing forward." And that was good enough for her.

I guess I need to lower my expectations.

(And enormous congratulations today to Tyler and Jaci, who now own only one home. There's one less home for sale in Continental Ranch.)