What we say we want vs. what we really want

I had the kind of day yesterday where I needed to pamper myself, so last night I visited Frost for gelato on my way home from babysitting the grands.

Justafarmboy and I used to frequent Frost. Yes, farm boys like gelato, especially those whose only European travel involved Italy and they want to relive that experience.

So feeling the smoothness of that gelato on my tongue made me start thinking about the fun we had together and the failure (or starvation) of that relationship. In the Match profile that justafarmboy saw when he began communicating with me, and in all our face-to-face communications after we started dating, I was very clear that I was lonely and wanted someone in my life, and that I didn't parallel date — I explored one relationship at a time. He indicated he wanted someone in his life. And yet, when it came down to choices at the end, he said, "I'm not in the same place you are regarding us."

Did he change his mind? Did he decide he didn't want a close relationship, a friendship filled with caring and love? Or did he just not want that relationship with me? His statement continued, "I want to figure out why and how to get there." That indicates to me that it wasn't me. I personally think he realized it was more work than he wanted to undertake to build and maintain the kind of relationship he saw possible in front of him. For the first time in my life, when this man broke things off with me, I was able to say, "It's not about me."

And that brings me to today's premise: do men really want caring, loving, monogamous relationships? I personally believe most women do, but I know there are those that don't. Are they the cynics in the crowd, and the rest of us the dreamers, the idealists? Do men know this about women, so their profiles are worded to indicate to women that he-and-she are thinking alike regarding desired relationships? And then once they've snagged her, they try to recraft the relationship into what they want, believing she-with-the-big-heart will be changed with that mid-course correction?

Very, very few men say, "I'm looking for someone to hang out with, no strings attached, no relationship involved." In fact, the last time my friend, the kayaker, put his profile out there, his first draft indicated he wanted, among other things, "a playmate". Several friends who proofed the draft advised him to excise that phrase from an otherwise enticing profile. We knew what he meant, but we were afraid it wouldn't come across well in his profile, wouldn't draw to him the type of woman we knew he wanted. (Although I think he would tell you himself that sometimes he doesn't even know the type of woman he wants.)

So many questions. So few answers.

I watched bits and pieces of "Must Love Dogs" again over the weekend, and to paraphrase a line from that movie: The function of all this pain and heartache that you go through is to break your heart so it can grow back bigger.

We're all lonely and looking, but we have very big hearts.