One of my biggest hot buttons is adoption. I feel like my adoption was not terribly successful due to my mother's deficit in the nurturing column. But, in reality, she probably would have had the same detrimental effect on a daughter who was her natural child as she did on me, her adopted child. My mantra throughout the years has been that her treatment of me grew out of her emotional lack or ignorance, not out of malice. The woman doesn't have a malicious bone in her body.
Birth parents love each other, and out of this love grows the natural child. Adoptive parents choose to take a child into their life and love that child, as if it grew out of their love. (Okay, so that's a gross generalization, but stay with me here.) At my beloved daddy's memorial service, one of his associates said: when Dr. Crews was asked if one of his kids was adopted, he would reply, "Yes, but I can't remember which one."
I want one more primary relationship in my life, to last me the rest of my life. I put myself out there, I wink and e-mail and go on first dates and, infrequently, subsequent dates. I find someone who seems to be a good fit, who seems to be a nice person. I continue dating him and getting to know him better. I try to imagine a long-term relationship with him. I wonder whether my family will like him, will accept him. I try to imagine vacations with him, what we'll do when we retire, how we'll adjust to life together, whether we'll fight and how fair we'll fight. I wait for chemistry to happen, for the Petri dish to overflow. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it feels imminent but doesn't quite make it.
So my Question of the Day is this: is it nature or nurture; is it choice or chance? At some point, do we aging singles need to say, "I choose to love this person. I find a great many traits in this person that I treasure, respect, and honor. And I choose to support this person in the good times, and I choose to communicate honorably and work through the bad times to make them good times. I choose to make a mature, informed decision and move forward with my life with this kind, intelligent, trustworthy person who brings great joy, laughter, fun and love to my life."
The only problem with that premise is that it takes two mature adults to make it happen. If one person in the equation is scared to death of making another mistake, then this informed choice is probably not going to happen. And then the other person, the one who was ready to say, "I know a good thing when I see it and I'm ready and willing to commit to this person" is back to square one — the posting of the photos and profile and the waiting for winks and the checking Match.com 10 times a day to see if anyone has expressed any interest in him or her.
boring, Boring, BORING! I just want to get on with Life! When asked if I succumbed to chemistry or made an informed choice, I want to be able to respond, "Yes, but I can't remember which one."
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