Hope, Faith and Trust

I received an alarming e-mail from a friend yesterday. She had met someone online a year or so ago and very quickly married him. She was alone, lonely — all the adjectives I use to describe myself. When I had mentioned to her having met Mr. Match and that I was quite smitten with him, she urged me to be careful and take it very slowly.

It turns out that certain aspects of her new husband's life were not as she had been led to believe. Now she feels trapped and doesn't want to undergo another divorce.

So how do you determine what's real? As soon as I have a person's name, I start Googling. When I have some background and history, I search the public records in the locations where he has lived. I want to see marriages, divorces, properties owned, anything I can find. (I automatically assume the person has no criminal record, but then I've never been conned — God forbid that I ever have to search for criminal records!)

I'm sure my friend didn't sign an antenuptial agreement. I doubt that I would sign one again. I had to sign a 15-page agreement on marriage number two, and there was minimal wealth involved. He just wanted to make sure everything he had went to his children and nothing to me. I'm a generous person; I believe in sharing what I have with those I love. My desire to ensure my grandchildren's education and to leave a little nest egg for my sons is taken care of through insurance policies. If and when I remarry or enter into a primary committed relationship, my mate will be able to trust that he won't have to change his lifestyle if I predecease him. And I'm not going through another divorce. If he wants a divorce, he's gonna predecease me! (Just kidding - maybe.)

To me, an antenup turns a relationship of love and caring into a business relationship. It removes the trust and puts up a wall of self-protection. But I'm open to being disabused of that opinion.

So does one insist on full financial disclosure? Mr. Match and I are pretty open with each other about our financial situations, but verbally, not in writing. I don't feel I need to see all the paperwork. [But we're not in a committed relationship; we're just at getting-to-know-you.] I have been very clear that I'm not looking for a knight on a white horse. I believe in taking care of myself financially, and in sharing the financial burdens of a shared life. Am I too trusting?

I choose to believe that one cannot be "too trusting". I choose to believe things work out the way they're supposed to.

I hope to never be proven wrong.