Bad Vibrations

In 11th grade I loved the Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations". Today I was thinking about the vibrations I emit as single woman longing for a man.

I'm feeling comfortable lately, from a relationship perspective. (Shhh, let's not share this little secret with Mr. Match.) But when I'm not feeling comfortable, when I'm feeling lonely and like my life is empty, the prevalent sense I carry with me is one of desperation.

I wonder if that desperation oozes out of my pores. Is that the reason no man turns 180 degrees to follow me down the corridor at work? Can he smell, sense, feel my desperation, my longing for a companion? Does a man only need a woman who doesn't need him? Is he loathe to hook up with a woman who is deep and self-examining and who knows she wants a companion?

I always believed John was drawn to me in part because I needed him. He was a man who needed to be needed. Ultimately, I lost him the first time around because, I believe, he perceived the other woman as needing him more than I. He watched me struggle through law school and believed I could do anything. I believe he had great respect for my survivability and therefore felt no compunction about taking her on and setting me free.

Can a woman be deep and self-examining and know she wants a companion without feeling desperation? Is it possible to have that overwhelming desire for a partner while maintaining an attitude of nonchalance? I certainly don't know how to do it. When I look back at all the various times of singleness in my adult life, I remember all of them as being filled with the overwhelming, driving desire to find a partner. (Which, by the way, I did — over and over and over again.)

<Personal note on>
To the Kayaker: I don't think I have poor taste in men. I think I made some poor choices. And I think you're never going to live down having made that statement to me! Oh, but your statement wasn't as bad as the one a colleague at IBM made about me circa 1982. She called me "flypaper for men". Hmmmm.
<Personal note off>

Am I alone? Am I the only woman who feels desperation? Is this unique to me or fairly widespread in the over-50 population?

I try to hold on to the belief that there's something good waiting for me right around the corner, but I'm anxious to get to that corner to find out who he is and where we're going. My clock is ticking. No, thank God, not my biological clock. My mortality clock. I only have x days left to my life. It may be 365x40 days (please, God, no!) and it may be 40 days and it's probably somewhere in-between those two numbers. But each of the days I live alone subtracts 1 from the number of days I have available to live blissfully un-single with whomever Mr. Right turns out to be.