Patterns in Your Life

Dr. Robin Smith made an interesting statement on Tuesday's Oprah episode. The topic of the show was eating disorders. "Dr. Robin" was making the point that an eating disorder grows out of a lack of self love. The first guest, a woman who is about 5'6" tall and weighs about 85 pounds, was adopted, a fact I found very interesting. She made statements about not being good enough, not being acceptable, not wanting to be given away again. At least that's what I heard in her statements.

Dr. Robin's statement, which I immediately copied down, was, "you tend to marry someone who articulates your inner voice." If that's so — and it absolutely was so for me in my first marriage — then how do you change that? Do you try to translate your inner voice into a better message, or do you try to change the pattern of the type of man you marry? Or both? (Now there's a tall order!)

I think I've been successful through the years of therapy in changing my inner voice, but there's still the Little Adoptee, perched in the attic of my brain, calling down that I'm unacceptable and I'd better watch my behavior. Sometimes I can shut her up, throw her a piece of chocolate so she'll go away, but sometimes not.

I married my first husband because my mother said I'd never get a man. He proposed. So there. Showed her! Husband number two was a little better choice, but still not a choice. More of an acquiescence. He asked, he wanted me with him, he accepted little unacceptable me. I married number three because we were buddies, pals, friends, and I needed health insurance. I married John for all the right reasons. He had similar losses in his life (death of his mother at age three, placement by his father into an orphanage shortly thereafter, a series of foster homes, six months at a time, for the next few years). He and I gave to each other the acceptance and unconditional love that we'd always been seeking. And then he died. I agreed to the long-term engagement with EEFFH because I was out-of-my-mind lonely and he played a good courting game.

So I guess, as I think about these relationships and the dating I've done for the past three years, that it's both - change your picture and change your pattern. When I'm with Mr. Match. the reflection of myself that I see is the person I want to be. He encourages or enables me to see the strong and smart me that's been hiding inside lo these many years, just waiting for the right situation so I can emerge.

I've had so much fertilizer (i.e. manure) dumped on me for so many years, it was inevitable that I would bloom mightily at some point!