Affairs and Other Missteps

Mr. Match and I were talking last night about affairs. I foolishly had a couple. I would never do it again. I tell him adamantly that if he gets to a point of making a commitment to me, he's going to have to commit to working things out, of respecting the entity of the relationship first. We either work it out or we go our separate ways. We agree to walk together on the road we're traveling, or we don't start the journey together.

My affairs came because I was not being treated with respect in the marriage. I knew two weeks into my first marriage that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. But I hung in there and tried very hard to make it work — for ten years! With marriage #2, my stepdaughter would say horrible things about me to her father, and he would presume me guilty. Didn't matter that it was all fabrication on her 23yo part. She said it, therefore it must be true. He would then sink into a depression and not speak to me for three or four days running. When a man at work who admired me started paying attention to me and asking me to lunch, I was an easy target. Should I have known better? Of course.

I maintain that most affairs happen because the marriage or primary relationship is foundering. I believe that if both parties realize there's a problem and commit to fixing the problem, the indiscretion need never occur. But it's a two-way street. If I tell you there's a problem and I'm in danger of stumbling, you'd better darned well be willing to recognize your part in the problem and be part of the solution. If I tell you there's a problem, and you say something to the effect of, "get over yourself", you might as well recognize the handwriting on the wall.

I'm proud of the fact that I never again strayed. Through the would-be-homicidal stepson, the loneliness of John's illness, the freaking nightmare that was EEFFH, I never looked right or left. I'm proud of that. I know I can do it. I know that there's no personality disorder that makes me unable to recognize the consequences of my actions.

My integrity is my dearest possession. But I can be as filled with integrity as I want at work, and if I can't live my personal life with integrity, then I'm not a success, am I?

I hope I'm given another chance to revel in the thrill of success.