I started to title this "I Am the Luckiest", which is the title of a Ben Folds song that I love. I'll drop the lyrics in at the end of this post for you to enjoy.
I look at my life and think I'm lucky, I'm blessed, I've lived a charmed life.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think my life has been easy. On the contrary, I think my life has been hard. But hard in a blessed way, in a can-you-pass-this-test way.
Leaving my children, trying to do what was best for them, was agony, but look at the wonderful relationships I have with them now, and with their families. Tyler has the most wonderful wife and children; TJ now has someone in his life that makes him happy. These boys have grown into men of character.
Careerwise, I've never had a plan. The right job has always fallen into my lap. My love life has been interesting, and each relationship has added to the brick-upon-brick building of my life. Terry, bless his hypercritical and demeaning self, helped me produce these talented young men. Dick got me to my beloved Washington, DC. Bob provided me health insurance when I needed it and had no resources for it and enabled me to realize that it was okay to walk out on an untenable situation. And John. Oh, John gave me love and acceptance and a sense of belonging and the ability to craft between us the marriage we had both wanted all our lives. Walking with John to his death was the hardest task I've been given in my life, and the one I believe I accomplished most successfully. Steve gave me a few years of not working (outside the home - don't kid yourself, I worked like a frigging slave picking up after him and his daughter) so I was able to take lots of arts classes and to enable Jaci to take classes while I watched Boston. That freedom of time allowed Boston and me to spend an enormous amount of time together, forming an incredible bond between us. The relationships of 2006? I think they allowed me to refine my sense of what behavior I will not put up with in a companion.
I had some interesting personal transactions yesterday that have been building for a couple of months online, and those only served to reinforce my understanding that I have good instincts and can trust them.
Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm frustrated that my life seems to be in turmoil and I don't know what's coming next. But when I look at the patterns of my life, I sense something wonderful—personally and professionally—is waiting just around the corner. I can't see it yet, and I'm in a time of needing to focus on preparation. But I can sense its presence. Something just waiting to happen.
My friend Lindianne has a few friends who are househunting who, she thinks, would find this house perfect to their needs. Other friends are alert to the imminent availability of this house. I believe that will all come together as it should.
My tenants are leaving the Continental Ranch house in August, and somehow that will all work itself out. My boss at IBM is having conversations with peers, trying to find me a position within IBM, still as a contractor, working for a manager who, unlike her manager, endorses telecommuting.
So if I can be patient and keep hope alive and, especially regarding my love life, keep telling myself, "it could be worse," then I'll get through this. And I'll round the corner and the sun will shine.
- - - - -
The Luckiest
Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
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