None of us goes on a first date thinking it will fail. We hope it will be good or, at the very least, that it will be *not bad*. For me, even as a relationship starts to founder, I try to find something about the man in my life, some admirable or endearing trait, that I can hold on to as we maneuver and negotiate through tough times to come out on the other side — or not.
My therapist once asked me what I liked about EEFFH, and I replied, "Well, he has beautiful eyes." At that moment in time, it was all I could come up with. But it was something.
John whistled — all the time. And when cooking, he always flipped the kitchen towel over his left shoulder; it was, to me, a signature action. John and I always slept "spooned" together. When he would get up on Saturday or Sunday morning to make an "oh-dark-thirty" tee time, he would take his pillow and tuck it into the small my back, the spot he had just vacated, to take his place so I wouldn't notice his absence as I slept on.
The first time Mr. Match cooked dinner for me and I saw him flip the towel over his shoulder, I almost passed out. Justafarmboy also whistled, but with a fabulous vibrato. How many people do you know who have a vibrato in their whistle? And he knew all the words to the songs from the 60s and 70s that I know and love. Husband #2 had a cute way of shoving his reading glasses up on his forehead. I don't know why I thought that was cute; it just was. Husband #3 had a good ol' boy air about him at times that made one think he could never "polish up" — but it was cute. Emotionally-Unavailable-Emil would hold my coat for me. As I slid my arms into the coat, he would lift it up on my shoulders and then wrap his arms around me from behind. I still think of that, 15 years later, on the rare Tucson occasions when I struggle into a coat.
But there are also the traits or characteristics that I either don't like or notice the absence of. And I'm not talking about toilet-seat-up nonsense. Any woman who is so self-centered that she can't notice whether the seat is up or down, and who feels the men of the world should make allowances for her, well, she's got bigger problems than toilet seats! Why don't we all just put not only the seat down but lid down? Wouldn't that solve the "problem"?
Oops, got sidetracked there. Justafarmboy was very even-tempered. That can seem like a good thing until you notice there's no enthusiasm about anything! When I started going out with Mr. Match and saw his enthusiasm — infectious enthusiasm — I thought, "Oh, how I've missed that." And public displays of affection. I like when a man reaches over and takes my hand as we're walking together. Or at the very least, doesn't flinch when I reach for his hand.
Someday soon I'll tell you another nightmare-inducing bedtime story about some of EEFFH's traits. When I would tell girlfriends this story, they would ask how I could stay with him for four days, much less four years. But you'll have to wait for that treat.
I don't need my car door opened for me. But I always notice and appreciate when it happens. I don't need the man to walk on the outside as we're walking down the sidewalk, but there's something very suave and debonair (and protective) when he automatically shifts to the outside after we cross the street. The Southern Belle in me cherishes that action.
The bottom line is this: no matter how many cute or endearing traits a man possesses, if he is unwilling or unable to connect emotionally, unwilling or unable to communicate effectively within the relationship, or, simply, just too lazy or apathetic to put energy and thought into the relationship, no coat-holding or whistling — shoot, no toilet-seat-replacing — can fix that. Nor, quite frankly, do you want it to.
Respect, love and honor in a relationship beats a whistle every time.
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