Beliefs, Dreams

Are there women who spend time on an online dating site just looking for a friend, someone to casually date, someone they have no intention of integrating into their lives? I question that. It's certainly not my pattern.

When Mr. Match and I sat down across a cocktail table five weeks ago, his first question to me was "What are you looking for?" I said, and believed, that I was looking for someone to hang out with for the summer — a casual date, a man who could dress himself and not embarrass me in public. I wasn't looking for love. And, Zowie, lightning struck the table between us. Before the date was finished, I had leaned over and kissed him, because he was so darling, because I just couldn't help myself.

I believe that every woman hopes and dreams that there's a man out there who is just right for her. A man her mother and daddy will like, her kids will enjoy, her colleagues will think looks good with her, is well-suited to her. A man her friends will applaud for having the good sense to care about their dear friend, whom they know to be a truly fine person.

Within a couple of dates, I start wondering how my kids will like my new gentleman. I reflect upon their likes and dislikes of previous partners to see where there are intersects or disconnects. I rehearse in my head the ideal first meeting. I try to prepare my gentleman as we're building up to that first introduction: you'll like her, she's smart and talented; he's my heart; those babies are the dearest things in my life. If he truly cares about me, won't he truly care about these people who are so important to me? And will my children be able to see how happy this man makes me and tolerate any idiosyncrasies that aren't as endearing to them as to me?

With each man I encounter, I dream that he's the one who will carry me through the rest of my life. I hope, I fantasize, I project, I hold my breath that, finally, I'll be able to have happiness in my life again with someone who will love me and care about me and be ever-so-grateful that he found me out of all those online photos.

I dare to dream, to believe, that the man exists who will love me as I will love him, who will enable me to have my fondest dream come true.

I was very, very lucky once (okay, twice — I found him and then I found him again). The eternal optimist in me believes that maybe, just maybe, I could be lucky again.