On Aloneness and Loneliness

When a person goes for months or years without feeling desired or desirable, without wanting and feeling wanted, she starts questioning whether she can ever feel that way again. Can ever feel desire and warmth and that lovely satin blanket around her heart.

I fully appreciate that this loneliness can occur within or without a marriage, heterosexual or homosexual or any combination thereof.

Does everyone, every human, want this? Is the desire to touch and be touched at the core of our humanity?

I really don't know where I am on creation and evolution and all that stuff. And I'm not asking you to proffer your opinion. I don't care. If you don't show me yours, I won't show you mine. I don't need definitive answers. But how human is this desire stuff?

There's a hilarious song in "Closer Than Ever" entitled "The Bear, The Tiger, The Hamster & The Mole" about the "real" facts of life.

"In most of the animal kingdom,
The ladies only seldom need men.
Their dealings are straight
They need them to mate
And never see them again."

One could say it's a distinctly human trait to want to be touched. But Rudi wants to be touched and he won't leave me alone until I touch him. He's very good about head-butting me and getting right in my face until I start scratching his head or running my hand down his back.

Too bad it's not socially acceptable for lonely humans to do that — to ask for and receive the touching they so deeply desire.

I believe I want one more relationship in my life. But I want it to be a loving, warm, nurturing relationship. I want to sense that I am loved, and I want to love my partner. I don't want a marriage for the sake of marriage. I've done that already, thank you very much. Actually, done it more than once!

You all know the story. John was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer six months after we were married. For the next twenty-one months we battled his cancer. He was on antiandrogens that entire time. So there was no sex. But there was warmth and closeness and bucketloads of love and cuddling and hand-holding. We were blessed to have that wonderful time together to conclude his life.

I never felt alone during our marriage. During the four years with EEFFH, I felt alone most of the time.

The bottom line for me is I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life and be lonely than be in a relationship and be lonely.