It seems everyone is talking about John Edwards. To tell the truth, when I first heard the news bulletin the other day, I had to scratch my head to remember who he was. Then I felt disappointed. Why can't these guys just keep it where it belongs? (To which someone replied, "he was." I didn't laugh.)
I had my share of extramarital affairs. Two to be exact. One each at the very end of marriages one and two. They were what signaled to me that I was all done there. I'm not proud of the fact that I was so immature, that I didn't have the wisdom to have a dialog about the marriage and its needs with my partner. I wish I had dealt with the issues rather than trying to feel better about myself.
Husband #1 was very good at denigrating me. Husband #2 was, probably, clinically depressed. He would get upset at me because of lies his daughter would tell about me, would not check it out with me, and would stop talking to me for four or five days at a time. While we were living under the same roof. It was a horrible time.
If you relate how those husbands made me feel about myself back to the horrible things my mother said to me over and over growing up, then you reference Maslow's hierarchy, you can understand how a man saying something nice to me could turn me into a bobble-head doll in the blink of an eye. Self-esteem was something I had only ever read about, never ever experienced.
I'm thankful I've grown up since then. In marriage #3, the gun-totin' stepson, I never felt the need. In marriage #4, I was consumed with caring for John. It didn't matter to me that we had no intimate relationship because of his illness. Our intimacy was of our minds. With EEFFH, who treated me like the housekeeper, I never thought of looking at another man. I was completely faithful to him the whole time he was playing around behind my back. I can hold my head high about that whole horrible period of time.
In fact, since I arrived in Youngstown, I had the opportunity to enter into an affair with a man I was very highly attracted to and vice versa, and I said no. I will not live that kind of life. I will not be that kind of role model. I want my son, when faced with trouble or discomfort in his life, to face it with maturity and integrity, and to devise the hard-but-right answer. And the same thing with my grandchildren.
I believe one of the biggest problems with the world today is the lack of personal responsibility. Just—as my realtor said to me on Friday—as too many people are walking away from their responsibilities in real estate, people want to blame someone else for their problems, to point a finger. It causes more problems than it solves.
When you get married or you enter into a committed relationship, you agree to "forsake all others", to engage in certain behavior with only that person. You cannot go running around engaging in said behavior with other people (one or many) without it having a negative impact on your primary, committed relationship, whether or not you ever tell your partner about your behavior. (It's hard to make that statement and keep it G-rated. I've lived this. I'm speaking from my experience. You can neither kiss-and-tell nor kiss-and-not-tell without it impacting your marriage, without it changing how you feel about your marriage and your partner. The wrongful behavior erodes your relationship.)
So grow fricking up. Be a man. Keep it in your pants. If she's comin' on to you, it's okay to say, "I'm very flattered that you feel that way. But I'm devoted to my wife and I would never hurt her that way." It will make you twice the man you were before you spoke that sentence.
Here's the way to know if you oughta or oughtn't do something: if you feel you need to hide it, don't do it. Plain and simple.
Be a man of integrity!
6 comments:
I started to reply to this but then realized I was making my own post. Sometimes it's very hard to have a blog that's satire. Especially when you have something serious to say. For now, I will just say that I think you are one of the last of the true believers and what I see as judgmental hypocrisy from others comes across as sincere because of your own honesty and integrity.
Crse, you're right. I usually stay very far away from anything political. I've been around way too many men-as-scoundrels. I refuse to accept it in my sons and my lovers, and I won't accept it in my governmental leaders.
But to follow your thoughts-in-blog, I also think it's reprehensible to sling mud in debates, in advertisements, to air ads that are misleading. I could go on and on, but I've got an hour-long commute waiting for me.
For me it all comes back to my personal philosophy. BE KIND! If everybody would just be kind, play nice, live by the Golden Rule, we wouldn't have any problems.
Back to Senator Edwards, how do you think he would feel if Mrs. Edwards had gone out and done with some gorgeous hunka what he did? Darlin', he would have pitched a royal fit. I'm willing to bet he would not have handled it as graciously as she did.
But then that's just my opinion as a lonely old grandma after a long and hard life. Now I think I'll drivvvve.
I agree that it's about personal integrity. It can seem so wonderfully distracting to "get it on" outside of marriage, but the fallout to the family and the marriage and to self, really, is immeasurable and destructive. In the end, a distraction is all that it is. Certainly Edwards had a lot to be distracted from, but I agree with you when you say "man up."
I don't see the extra-marital affair as the only bench mark of character, but clearly as a culture we believe that it is one. That's worth considering.
You really are a true believer! I don't know why but that cheers me up. Interestingly, it's a "known" in mental health (which actually translates to the professional version of an urban legend!) that one must have an element of mental disorder present to even reach for political goals. The lust for power as interpreted by the DSM if you will. Still, Im not as sure as you about Ms. Liz and any fallout. Not because Johnny is such a gentleman but men who stay do NOT talk about such indiscretions. Male ego? I dunno. I don't want to cast aspersions on her as I admire her deeply but Ive also seen enough to realize that seldom are there true victims in marriages like this. I never realized until people started paying to tell me their secrets!
Lucy- good point about the cultural perspective. No matter how you look at this issue, you cannot deny the guy used really really bad judgment!
I've continued thinking about this post all afternoon and talked to a couple of men friends about it on my drive home. I just Googled "woman as backbone of society" and saw a couple of items that said that's an insult to women.
My point is many women refuse to have an affair with a married man because they will not treat his wife in that manner. I remember learning that EEFFH had been having an affair and wondering, a) how he could live with himself, and then b) how his soon-to-be wife could live with herself. I would never have done that to her. How could she have done that to me? I remember thinking, "Where is her self-respect." Then I learned more about her from friends who met her, and I learned she had none.
I guess my point is, it's the women who keep our society together. Oh Geez, am I saying we really do want Hillary for president? General Tso forbid!
I was going to make a second post from this topic, but have decided I've belabored it enough. Men will be boys, and women will be ladies.
Enough said.
Jan, I so love your world view. It's refreshing to hear someone saying that personal integrity derives from how we treat other people. I especially love the call for sisterhood. Great comment. Great post.
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