Define: Karma

The moral law of cause and effect.

As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I spent a lot of time wondering what on earth I have done in my life to merit the current state of affairs.

There are those who believe in strict creationism and one life, no previous lives or after lives (other than living forever in heaven on the right hand of God — man, it's gonna be really crowded at His right hand, dontcha think?).

There are those who think we are all spirits and we "sign up", if you will, for the lives we live. Darlings, I must have been smoking some pretty good stuff to have signed up for this life. Really. There have been some wonderful moments: my beloved daddy, my musical ability, my children, the fun of working at Disney, the formal education, the life with John, all my wonderful friends, . . . . I remember telling John, reassuring John, several times towards the end of his life that the good far outweighed the bad. I did not want him walking into his death feeling filled with guilt for having left me for Elizabeth eight years earlier and having missed the five years we could have been together.

The ten years since John's death have been challenging. And yet if I put all the dung with EEFFH on a balance with the fabulous music-making and music-learning opportunities in Tucson, the wonderful friends I made, and my heart-of-my-heart grandbabies, the dung would weigh nothing.

I've done something right to have a generous son and daughter-in-law who want their mom with them. I'm lucky to be able to give to them on a daily basis by helping them with the house and the children, something that I really enjoy doing and that feeds my soul and spirit. They tell me they're lucky to have me here so they can go out, as they did last night, and not have to cast a thought to the children. Last night, as I was leaving the office on a Friday night, I didn't have a moment of loneliness, as I was coming home to my family and I had plans with the babies. (In Tucson, on a similar night, coming home to an empty house, I would have been in the gutter with depression.)

I guess maybe there's nothing in my life that I understand at this point. I usually say everything works together to get us to where we are. As unhappy as the marriage to FOMC was, it got me my treasured sons. As difficult as the second marriage was, it got me to my beloved Washington and got me my bachelor's degree and into law school and the Washington Chorus and meeting John. The third marriage? That got me health insurance and a hysterectomy? That one's a little harder to define! John got me life and love and happiness to last a lifetime and I should have just stopped there. EEFFH and Tucson?! I have to believe that my children's lives are richer because of that, and my life is richer for the wonderful friends I made in Tucson. When I left Washington, I had five good woman friends, and three of those were from college or before. My network of women friends just exploded in Tucson—through Pi Beta Phi, through the Symphony, and through friends of those friends. Oh yeah, and I'm writing a book about all the insane and dysfunctional men (and two or three really nice guys who turned out to be good friends) I dated while I was there.

So I can't understand the cause and effect. And I feel overwhelmed and threatened by the anvil of approximately $150K in debt hanging over my head. And I have to change my ways of doing and being, and stay focused on eliminating this debt. I don't like my daily commute and I don't love my job, but I must learn to love it and master it, as I have no options—I dare not lose it. I must treat it like the most fragile premature newborn baby in the NICU to ensure it thrives.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go check the numbers on my ticket for last night's Megamillions Lottery.