Thoughts for the Day

Today is the first day I've felt halfway decent in a week-and-a-half. When I look back through history, I tend to make life-changing decisions when I'm sick, as I've been this week. I basically broke up with the Gardener on Friday, but everything is continuing as it has been. When we were together on Saturday, he said, "nothing about me has changed." We had breakfast on Saturday, then hung out at my house for a few hours. He had breakfast with me and the babies on Sunday, then went with me to the Fourth Avenue Street Fair, and saved my grandma-butt when Boston started acting out and running away from me. After I dropped the babies back at home on Sunday, we had dinner and watched TV. He's been very solicitous during my illness. He's an incredible friend, if nothing else. (And has not asked to be included in the locked-down blog, so I can talk about him more freely.) ;-)

The bottom line for me is this: I want more. I want to belong in a relationship, I want to be someone's girlfriend. Am I not being true to myself if I continue with the Gardener the way things are? He has about five women friends with whom he does things socially-but-not-romantically (to the best of my knowledge). I don't want to be one of those women. When we cuddle on the couch in front of the TV, his arms wrapped around me, I don't want to think that he does that with other women. When he kisses me goodnight — quite nicely, thank you very much — I don't want to think that he kisses his women friends that way.

For today the relationship is plodding along as it has. It will change at some point, but I don't know in which direction it will change.