On Being in Control

I'm feeling like there's no part of my life I'm in control of. (Okay, all you objectors, I know the feeling is irrational, but it's my feeling, so shut up.)

My job as a contractor could go away faster than you can say "budget cut". My financial situation, with three mortgages and my tenants paying below-market rent, could have me selling my house and moving to a trailer faster than you can say "I don't believe in bankruptcy". And my love life. Well, he's checkin' out women on Match and Cupid and Yahoo every morning, even though he's seeing me three or four or six times a week and talking to me several times a day.

On the issue of control, I refer you to an earlier post. That post was written two weeks before I told Mr. Match to figure out what he wanted and let me know. (By the way, that still hasn't happened. He calls every couple of weeks and says, "we need to talk." We still haven't talked.)

I've been thinking of asking Frank to amend his behavior, to give me a break and let me be his girlfriend for the next six weeks, during this difficult time when I'm preparing for the departure of my kids. And by girlfriend, I mean, "Quit looking around for somebody else. Be content with me." I don't need for him to quit all the social engagements he has with his entourage. I just need to know, for a brief period of time, that I'm not going to be supplanted. I would like to have one single thing in my life that is good and that I can depend upon.

But as I stand in the shower and ponder this, I don't like that I need to be in control. I don't like controlling women.

And what does Frank's leaving his profile online and checking every morning to see who's looked at him say about his need to be in control. I know he's happy with what we've got going on. But somehow it doesn't meet his needs. Go figure.

Can I live through the next six weeks with every single aspect of my life in flux? I guess I'll try. But too much flux is not a good thing, as any solderer will tell you!