What's It All About?

Last night I received a long entertaining, deliciously delightful e-mail from a dear old friend (old dear friend?) who Googled me and found this blog. (He's five months younger than I, so he's not old!) He asks to be referred to as the utopian church mouse, so UCM it is. He and I (along with Tyler, for a while) toiled in the halls of the MasterMicroManagerLawyerBoss who could be quite kind and generous, but could also turn around and be a major PITA. But I still list him on my résumé so I guess he wasn't too much of a PITA.

I've never mentioned that EEFFH's surname is Pink. UCM wished me success in finding a NPSO - a non-Pink significant other. I laughed out loud.

I discovered this e-mail after a long telephone conversation with Mr. Match. We were talking about how each of us projects the future, solely as it relates to us personally, not as it relates to each other or us as the almost-couple we once were. He said how some nights he comes home to his apartment and he's glad that he's there alone, eating his meager bowl of soup and working on the computer. But some nights he comes home and says, "Is this all there is?"

As we were talking, I had a brief mental image of being alone for the rest of my life. What's the purpose? Really, what's the frigging purpose?

I have friends, but they all have families. My family is days away from moving several thousand miles across the U.S. I go to work. I come home. I rehearse to make beautiful music for people to enjoy. I work on the computer to make life and business easier for several organizations. I sew. I communicate via e-mail with friends in distant cities. That's it. That's my life. I'm working up my courage to get on the back of the Traveler's motorcycle. I'm trying to soak up knowledge from the Gardener's brain to make my backyard nicer. But, IMHO, this is not a life. This is an existence. This is not much different from the put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other existence I had during John's illness.

Where is joy? Where is passion? Not to whine about it, but my joy is moving to Ohio! I think I've said it in this venue before: e-mail and webcams and phones are all well and good, but they're nothing like Boston and Riah racing across the room shouting, "Grandma, Grandma" when I walk through the door.

Yes, I'm impatient. I want a life. And I want it now. Coming home to two cats is not the same as coming home to a beloved human which whom I'm working on common life goals.

And I know I can't have it right now. That's just the long and the short of it. So sit down for a minute while I polish my shoes so I can put one foot in front of the other.