What to Do? What to Do?

Tyler called me this afternoon to tell me Boston was coming home sick from kindergarten and to ask if I could get off of work to babysit. It broke my heart to say, "no; all my vacation is used up; almost all my sick leave is used up."

Immediately I started agonizing over the fact that there will be very few days left when I can be the nearby doting grandma. It gives me the feeling of an enormous vacuum in my soul. These babies have been my life for five and three years, respectively. Now I'll be alone.

I'm seeing a terrifically nice guy and having more fun than I've had in a very long time. But I don't feel he's moving in the direction of falling in love with me. I don't feel a sense of future-togetherness. (And I don't think I'm talking out of school here. The Gardener and I have talked about such things and I believe he feels the same. He'll correct me if I'm wrong!)And Mr. Match, whom I thought I could project future-togetherness with — well, he's being ultra-flaky. He'll call but not leave a message. He'll ignore my text messages. He'll say, "let's get together on Sunday" and then Sunday comes and goes with no word from him. I guess I need to chalk him up to what everyone's been saying for seven weeks now: "he's just not that into you."

My family is leaving and I'm feeling at loose ends.

After Tyler's call, I started thinking about the possibility of quitting work and moving to Youngstown so I could continue to be the nearby doting grandma, on-call for whatever service I could provide.

Do you know I could get a darling condominium on the golf course for about $100,000?! I could join the country club and learn to play bridge! (Or I could have time to dye silk and throw pots and solder stained glass. That's really more my style than playing bridge.)

The Gardener tells me it's time to think about myself, to have my own life. Interesting — that pretty much echoes what Tyler tells me he wants for me. But I don't want a life alone. And I see no signs of my life being anything but alone.

Fortunately I'm not inclined to make any rash decisions here. But my head is whirling and my heart is aching.