They changed all the rules - part 2

And then there's the issue of money!

Do you remember your first car date? I think mine was to the Winter Park Drive-In, probably preceded by a fried egg sandwich and a chocolate milkshake at the Steak 'n' Shake. Hmmm, it might have been Bobby Wade. (Bobby, where did we tell my parents we were going? We sure weren't allowed to go to movies!) But I digress. The thing was, I didn't have to take any money along. Maybe I took a brush and a lipstick, but that's all. I didn't need to carry a purse to hold all the credit cards and cash and cell phone and pen and business cards and . . . . I just took my [at that time rather gawky] self.

Bobby had to have the car keys to his aunt's car and his watch (to make sure he got me home on time) and, most importantly, MONEY. Guys paid. Guys paid for everything. Girls never thought about where the money was coming from or the inequity of the guys paying for everything. My daddy never said to me, as I was walking out the door with Bobby or Jim or David, "Do you need any money?" He knew, we all knew, the guys would pay.

<Rant on>
I remember about twelve years ago when Tyler was in college and he had a girlfriend who was, to my way of thinking, a deadbeat. He, fortunately, had a full scholarship to college, but I still had to furnish his spending money at various times when he was between gigs. (Yeah, music runs in the family.) And this girlfriend, the barrista, couldn't seem to find or hold a job, and Tyler, being my son, was generous with her and trying to meet her needs. I was holding down a full- and two part-time jobs to support myself, provide his needs, and continue paying on my law school loans. And every time I saw something else she had "needed" that Tyler had provided, I grew more resentful. The pockets of Tyler's jeans were actually an extension of my pockets, and I didn't appreciate her hands digging down into my not-so-deep pockets! I was holding down three jobs, for crying out loud. Why couldn't she hold down one?!
<Rant off>

For the past 25 years, since my first divorce, I have been obsessed with completely taking care of my own needs, of not relying or depending on anyone. In all my divorces, I have walked out with basically what I had walked in with. There were no protracted legal battles over possessions or alimony or support. In fact, I paid child support to my first husband when we divorced, even though I was making a mere $10,000 at the time. Y'know, if I included in my online profiles the fact of how easy all my exes go off, I'd probably have far more winks. Fellas, I didn't get wealthy or even comfortable off the backs of ex-husbands.

But this also makes me very leery of moving into another marriage if there's the slightest shadow of a possibility of future divorce on the horizon. I've started over too many times in my life; I fear I'm too old to start over again. No matter how financially comfortable I get, what degree of success I achieve, there's always that ever-present fear of becoming a bag lady.

So back to the rules about money. How do you decide who pays? Do you opt for full salary disclosure on date #x and then try to apportion the costs equally? Do you determine that whoever chooses the restaurant, pays, and whoever cooks, shops? Do you alternate paying, but then if the guy earns twice what I do and he always gets the nights at McDonald's and I always get the nights at McMahon's — well, that doesn't work either. Do you try to be a little less obsessive about it? (Hey, there's a novel concept!)

Mr. Match and I went to a barbeque and fireworks at a local resort on July 3rd. I tried to broach this topic with him as we were standing in line for our dinner. Of course my intention was to say, "I'll get this, 'cause you got last night." But when I placed my order and then turned to him, he said to the cashier, "No, these are separate." I was shocked. I don't even know why I was shocked, but there it was. There was the sense that I should have just kept my mouth shut and let things work themselves out. That maybe I had offended him.

We haven't discussed it since. I try to occasionally ask, "Can I take you out to dinner?" Or I try to make sure I buy groceries and cook on a regular basis to shoulder a part of the burden. (And those of you reading this who know me well know that I pride myself on not cooking, that I laughingly brag about collecting husbands who cook rather than cooking myself. "Only 24 hours in the day and I'd rather spend them slaving over a hot sewing machine than a hot stove.")

I don't know the answer. I don't know the best way to handle it. I just know somebody changed all the rules and it's a whole new world out there!

(And a thank you to Tyler for tonight. He and Jaci invited me to join the babies and them for dinner at a local restaurant because tonight's storm had blown out their power. When the bill came, he graciously said, "He with the fewest mortgages wins." That would not be me, who made three mortgage payments last week!)