Who's To Blame

Or: Why does anyone have to be blamed?


Yesterday morning, with the sun shining outside, I took my cup of tea and my iPhone into the library to catch up on my Words With Friends games. The library is my favorite room in my house, and I hadn't taken advantage of it in at least a month. I was sitting peacefully, cat at my feet, when the Jazzman walked in. He sat down next to me, bumped his shoulder up against mine, and said, "Happy Anniversary."

On November 6, 2010, he moved into my—now our—home. My life was changed for the better and for good. (See favorite "Wicked" lyrics below)

My sister-in-law likes the Jazzman a lot. When we saw my brothers and sister-in-law at Mother's last Christmas, my SIL said, "You'd better not screw this up."

Huh?

Oh, right. I'm to blame. I'm to blame for every poor choice, misstep, and - yes - divorce or breakup in my past life.

Forget the fact the #1 was emotionally abusive to me; or that #2 was clinically depressed and wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time; or that #3's son threatened to shoot me; or that #5 was playing around behind my back and got married ten weeks after we broke up. They're all my fault. (I didn't mention #4. Cancer gets the blame for that one.)

And if the Jazzman ever decides to pursue a different life/style, according to my SIL's way of thinking, it will be because of something I did.

Good Deity, I hold a lot of power!!

Every time I think it would be fun for the Jazzman and me to vacation with my brother and SIL, I force myself to remember the outrageous things she has said to me, particularly over the past five years as Mother has begun deteriorating.

In case you didn't know or hadn't heard, there are two sides (or even more!) to every story. I was a party to each divorce and each major break-up, but there were other parties. A malicious mother-in-law, a seriously spoiled and narcissistic stepdaughter, and so on. I didn't ground those ocean liners all by myself.

And, judging by the past year, I won't be charged with keeping this ocean liner afloat all by myself. I lead a charmed life. I have a wonderful, caring, loving man who kisses me good-bye in the morning and hello in the evening. He fills my life with happiness, laughter, and friends.

May our life together be long and continue to be as happy as the past year has been.

---

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good