Post Peragro Depression

I've got a bit of the-trip-is-over depression. For one solid year I have been traveling to see my babies, looking for a job, angsting over the challenges with my IBM manager, and generally wishing I was ABH (anywhere but "here"). Suddenly, I have accomplished everything I set out to do and have to learn how to move forward while figuring out where forward is!

Last night I learned that the horrible IBM manager—whose objection to my telecommuting caused me to have to leave a job I love—has been removed from management, quite possibly (in large part) because of the way he treated me. I feel somewhat vindicated, but at the same time just sick to my stomach. Why did I have to be the lamb that was slaughtered? Yes, the new salary is great, but I'm a smidge scared about starting a new job. I've mastered (and beautifully, thank you very much) every job I've ever undertaken, but as my first day of the new job draws closer, I'm a little frightened. And if this man had been removed earlier in the game, I probably wouldn't have had to leave.

Last night as I slid under the covers and turned out the light, I wanted to cry for all the losses in my life and for the unknown of what's ahead. I always say there's something better around the corner ahead and I just can't see it yet. I need to be in less of a hurry to reach the corner.

I need to learn how to live where I am now. I need to learn how to be a part of a family—after being so alone for so long—while still giving Tyler and Jaci enough space to still be themselves. I need to keep my mouth shut or to quickly close it when it pops open to correct the children. I'm not their mother; Jaci does a damned fine job with that role. I'm simply their grandmother: here to support them and encourage them and love them; here to help build wonderful memories of their childhood. Tyler and Jaci don't need a mother, they need a helper, an aide, a personal assistant.

I walked into the kitchen at 5:00 this morning to get a cracker and my icepack to go with my Excedrin. I looked around and the kitchen was clean. I felt good about my love of order and my ability to clean up after Jaci's cooking, to give them that bit of order in their lives. Maybe this afternoon I'll do some laundry and I can feel good about my ability to take that burden off Jaci.

It snowed all day yesterday. It was beautiful and I love watching it out the window. The night was bright out my window with the reflection off the accumulated snow. I need to relearn how to get out in it and navigate and not feel intimidated.

I need to learn to find a happy medium between the level of activity I had in Tucson and a reasonable level of activity.

And I need to make some new friends so I won't feel so adrift in the sea.

I spent one whole day doing nothing. Now it's time to start over again.