Chasing a Dream

Today's Real Simple quote:
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.

I chased a dream to Los Angeles on Saturday afternoon and came home last night disillusioned. Must I abandon my dreams?

The Biker is a good guy. Let me just hammer that home. This man is one of the finest men I have met in a long time. He's smart as a whip, honest, very handsome, a supportive and loving father, generous, gallant, fun and funny.

So where's the problem? He can't (or refuses to) give a straight answer. He's all about "shooting the shit", as we used to say. He made a lovely statement to me on the way to the airport last night, but I realized I didn't believe him. He has teased and bullshitted me so much that I no longer believe a single word he says.

And I think he's afraid of togetherness, of emotional intimacy. My goal for the weekend was to spend one-on-one, face-to-face time with him to see if the attraction we felt when we first met in a group situation would continue without all the noise around.

I didn't get the opportunity to find out. The only times we were alone together from 6:00 p.m. on Saturday to 5:00 p.m. on Sunday was either driving around town or sitting across a table from each other in a noisy restaurant. Where we might have spent Sunday morning strolling around Long Beach hand-in-hand, he slept until 10:00 and left me in my hotel alone to amuse myself. We spent lots of time with his sons and daughters-in-law. They were delightful and we had a great time together. But it's not focusing on each other, learning about each other.

I said on Thursday that this would either be the first date of the rest of my life or that last date of my entire life. I'm afraid it may be the latter. How sad.