State of the [He]art

A quiet reader e-mailed me today and suggested I was:

falling for a guy you just met, and falling hard because he says he's
crazy about you?

I quickly retorted that I was NOT falling. I said I was filled with reticence, hesitancy and skepticism.

I will say that it is flattering and ego-boosting to have someone feel about me, or state that he feels about me, the way the Biker does. We have lovely conversations. And I have moments when I want to run screaming from the room, but my panic is assuaged by my knowledge of how deeply my friends care for this man and of how highly they regard him.

I will admit that the Biker and I will see each other in ten days or so. The first meeting was fraught with anxiety and filled with nerves because of the awkward situation of being with these mutual friends. (Those feelings have nothing to do with the friends, just the situation. It's hard to be over 50 and thrown into high school situations again!)

We agreed that we wanted to spend some time together one-on-one without the angst. So I'm traveling to visit him and have a reservation at a lovely hotel near his apartment in Long Beach. We'll see how it goes. If nothing else, I'll have a short weekend in California and spend time with a handsome man.

I remain unmoved in my resolve to move to Youngstown. The more I watch what's going on up there, the more anxious I feel to be there and be part of the solution, or at least part of the babysitting cadre that enables the solution.

Boston's request that I come at Hallowe'en and stay until Christmas resounds in my ears and breaks my heart. "Grandma, you love to be with us, and you could be with us for two months."

(Relax, Jaci, you know I wouldn't do that. It violates my mother-in-law code of ethics.)

So my heart keeps beating, skipping a beat at the thought of being in love again, and breaking at the situation of being away from my family.

I believe family will always trump.