On Being Grateful

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I'm not sure why.

There's a strange thing about being adopted. You feel like you have to be grateful all the time. Whether you feel like it or not, whether you want to express it or not, you need to be grateful. You should be grateful. You must be grateful.

It's one thing to express gratitude because you want to, because you know how that person will feel when you acknowledge the lovely thing she did for you. But to have your mother's voice inside your head, prodding you to say thank you—it actually feels quite poisonous.

The everpresent fear for this adoptee is of being given away again. It's the unspoken threat that accompanies every correction. So if I don't adequately thank someone for something he did for me, a) he'll abandon me, or b) whoever has currently adopted me will tell me I have to leave. I think maybe I am overly appreciative at times—better safe than sorry, right?

I try to be understanding of those who never express appreciation for things I do for them. I try to consider that they have had similar bumps in their life's roads and just aren't as compliant as I, as fearful as I. I tell myself they really do appreciate my acts, and try to move on beyond the moment.

I've been through years and years of therapy, and the fear of abandonment is as big today as it was 50+ years ago. It's so old and trite and tiresome. If you think I get tired of overplayed music on the Classic Pops station, how do you think I feel about hearing this tune over and over in my head for 58 years?!

I'm not sure there's a point to this post. I think I was just sharing information with you—it's one of those points of information that the social worker doesn't share with you when you're exploring adoption.

(I just finished watching this week's Brothers & Sisters. Robert & Kitty are trying to adopt. I can't even imagine where this story line is going to go. Trust me—for some of us, it will be very painful.)