SATC

I took advantage of a night with no babysitting obligations to catch Sex and The City. PianoLady and I had been sitting in Bryant Park when the wedding gown/flower scene was filmed. It was so much fun to see it on the big screen and scan the crowd to see if I could pick us out. (I couldn't, but don't think I won't be freeze-framing it when I rent it to watch again in a few months.)

The movie made me cry. I miss John. I miss having someone who loves me unconditionally (besides Boston and Ridley). I miss having romance in my life.

When I watched the final episode of the TV series and Carrie received the telephone call from Big where his name comes up for the very first time on her caller id and she learns (we learn) that his name is John, I just sobbed. Sobbed. Completely.

What a sap I am.

My boss is on the party planning committee for the holiday party. The committee is trying to keep things hush-hush, but I overheard some of their conversations yesterday, so I know the general theme. When he said, "Oh no, now Jan knows what we're doing", I replied, "It's okay. I'm not going to go [to the party]." The HR director and my boss and the other manager who was in my boss's office at the time expressed dismay that I wouldn't want to go, and questioned why. I told them that nothing makes me more depressed than going to a couples party by myself.

And that tells you what hope I feel for meeting anyone now or anytime in the future. Zero. I hope to meet someone. Certainly, I hope. Just like I buy lottery tickets twice a week. But I think the odds of my winning the lottery may be greater than the odds of meeting a man to become my significant other.

So I remember being loved. I remember having someone to collaboratively work the Washington Post crossword with every night as we fell asleep. I remember sitting over our dinner, seeing who could answer the Jeopardy question faster. I remember going to concerts and traveling to Hilton Head and a million little togethernesses. And I miss it deeply and sadly and, unfortunately, probably foreverly.

Even a feel-good movie can't make me feel good.