What Are You Doing for the Rest of Your Life?

Have you ever had life situations attack you such that you just didn't know what to say? That's where I am and why I haven't had much to say on this blog lately.

A couple of months ago I became aware that my income was going to drop off and I needed to find other work to supplement my income. Unfortunately, "other work" has not materialized. I've applied to things that suited my resumé but—as we all know—I'm not the only person applying to any open position.

After much agonizing and conversations with trusted confidant(e)s, I decided to start taking my widow's benefits from Social Security. That limits me to earning just over $14,000 per year. When I add up that $14,000 plus the social security plus my survivor's benefits and disability compensation from John's death, I can just pay the bills. The problem is my current earned income is waaaaay below that $14K/year. So I'm feeling stressed. (Wow! An understatement par excellence!)

For years I've been saying I would retire at the slightest opportunity. Well, the opportunity is here and I'm feeling a tad at sea. I've always said I had lots of interests and not enough time to pursue them. Now I have time, but am still feeling pressured to produce more income.

I opened an Etsy store under the name Jan Crews Designs. I'm trying to learn the best ways to photograph beaded and knit items for sale. I'm sorting through vintage things I have tucked away for years. I'm knitting and sewing, trying to come up with items that the general public would want to buy. From me.

I see unfinished projects in my sewing room that I want to get to, but feel they must be pushed aside until I can get enough stock built up and some money coming in.

And then the cat gets sick. Or the water heater breaks. You know the drill—just when you think you've got all the ends tied securely together, one thread slips out and you've got to attend to it again.

But there are upsides. I've taken a gig accompanying a friend at his voice lessons and juries at the university. A little deja vú, as this was a job I held when I was 28! And tomorrow I'm taking the afternoon to sing at the investiture of a new federal circuit court judge for the Youngstown area. If I were still schlepping to Akron every day, I would not be able to grab these opportunities. Or take the cat to the vet. Or run to the grocery store in the middle of the day.

Yesterday I wanted to put my head in my hands and cry. Today I'm thinking I'll make it okay. Tomorrow will probably include tears again, and next week, and next month.

At some point things will settle down and I'll find myself.

But right now, I need a good map!