The Eggshell Skull Rule

You know how there are principles you learn in classes or workshops that stay with you forever? The eggshell skull rule is one of those principles. I learned about it in torts class in my first year of law school. I've thought about it a million times in the ensuing 20+ years.

In my post a couple of days ago, I mentioned that Monday was a challenging day for me. The incident that occurred at the end of the day was totally unrelated to the incident that started the day off in a downward spiral. And the person involved in the closing incident had no way of knowing I had just endured a completely hellish day.

All day yesterday I was pondering and analyzing and assessing the events of the previous day, trying to figure out how I could push the dark cloud away, how I could retrieve the sunny disposition I had during the preceding weekend, one of the best I've experienced in many years. And I was thinking about how I take everything so seriously and so personally.

When I was interim manager of the word processing center at a large law firm in D.C., I tried to instill in the women who worked in the center a sense of putting themselves in the other person's shoes. So that lawyer yelled at you. So that paralegal gave you a dirty look. Yes, it felt bad. Yes, it was rude and uncalled-for. But you don't know what's going on in that person's life. You don't know if her dog bit her as she walked out the door this morning, or if his wife told him last night that she wanted a divorce.

The law firm time period was when I was living out in the Northern Virginia countryside, with a stepson who had threatened to shoot me, and whose father saw no need to take any action as a result. Each night as I went to sleep, I wondered if I would wake up in the morning. Stressful? Yep.

I didn't share that information with any coworkers and, while I absolutely loved that job and the people in the law firm, I imagine in retrospect that my living situation affected my performance in the office. I had to steel myself to be slow to annoyance and anger. I had to cross my arms and hum a happy tune to avoid dissolving into tears. I had to find the peace in the workplace I loved. (Oh, yeah, and get the hell out of that abusive household!)

Assume the worst about everyone who crosses your path? I don't think I'm saying assume the worst. I think I'm urging compassion.

The core principle of the "eggshell skull rule" is that you take [the victim, the other party, the complainant] as you find him.

So I'm saying if you have a misunderstanding with someone whom you know to be overly sensitive, you might reach out and reassure the person that all is well. Not everyone knows misunderstandings blow over. Some people still expect a misunderstanding to change the world view. Some Little Adoptees (she ducks her head as she types), at age way-too-old-for-such-broken-mindsets, still expect to be given away again for the slightest infraction.

Those of us who have spent many years in therapy are trying, every day in every way, to get better. To turn into adults. And a kind word from you might be the only fuel the sensitive person needs for today to be a better day, a growing day, a healing day.

Maybe by the time I'm 80 I'll have grown up.

I can only hope!