Job Hunting

A few days ago I heard from a girl with whom I was friends in elementary school and high school. We've recently become friends on Facebook, and she had posted some pictures from alumni weekend, which was held at the end of March.

She was a year behind me in school, and one of the photos showed her with a guy from my class. He was the nicest, sweetest guy, and I was good friends with his older sister, who was a singer. I commented on the photo that I was happy to see the photo of Sam, as he was such a good guy. In response, she e-mailed me that they had gotten engaged the night before the photo was taken.

Honestly, my initial reaction was some combination of envy and jealousy. It was not that I ever had a "thing" for Sam. It's that I'm lonely and long to have someone to love. The farther away I get from having loved someone, the less I can remember what it feels like.

Sometimes I think maybe there's a quota on the number of Significant Others one can have in her life. I had four husbands and one long-term relationship[-from-hell]. Is five the max? Am I now barred by the Universe from ever having another S.O.?

<Sidenote to cyberfriend FiveHusbands on>
Don't you hate it when people compare you to Elizabeth Taylor?
<Sidenote to cyberfriend FiveHusbands off>

I never went into marriage thinking, "I'm gonna see if I can hold the record for Most Husbands in One Lifetime." My childhood dreams were not of travel or education or stellar career. I planned for my career to be wife and mother. I knew my parents had not had a happy marriage. (Well, my mother did. My daddy didn't. It's all about perception, I guess.) I wanted to have a long and happy marriage, identified as the wife, best friend, and partner of some successful [probably doctor—that was the life I knew]. I wanted to love and be loved.

I am loved. I'm loved by my sons and daughter-in-law and grandchildren. But as far as someone who thinks of me in his quiet times, who longs to come home to our lovely together-space…; well, that died almost eleven years ago. And I miss it dearly. My kids are wonderful, but you don't go to your kids with your fears and sadnesses and tears. With your kids, you are the support system, the believer, the enricher. It takes a Significant Other to dry yours tears. Or a therapist.

If hunting for a mate can be analogyzed to hunting for a job, I've got the experience. I have five "previous employers" on my résumé, (plus about a hundred-and-seventy-three first dates). I know what to do and what not to do. Based on the photo taken last weekend by my older son, I'm not lookin' too bad for my age. I'm smart. I'm compassionate. I'm non-confrontational and adaptable.

It's a friggin' job hunt. Why can't I get the job?!

Should I just get a therapist?