Mothers: Not Necessarily Happy.

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.

Over the course of the past month I've been thinking a lot about mothering and grandmothering. I basically gave up what life I had in Tucson and came to Youngstown to continue the grandmothering that started in Tucson with Boston's birth almost seven years ago. It's a role that fits me well. The way I do it, it's a lot of work, but I enjoy it and excel at it. I relish my role. When Tyler and Jaci indicated they would welcome my help here in their new life, I didn't hesitate to take the steps necessary to end up here, in the 1860 5th Annex.

In two weeks the babies and I will drive to Hendersonville, NC, for Mother's 95th birthday. She has seen Boston twice in his life and Ridley once. I think the last time she saw TJ was at John's memorial service. She has pictures of them in her apartment and listens with interest when I tell her about their lives in my frequent calls. But know them? No, she doesn't.

I've said since my first experience in psychotherapy in the 80s that I had no need to bear a grudge for her emotional abuse during my youth. I believed her actions were out of ignorance or an emotional void in her life, not out of malice. And while I still believe the "not out of malice" portion of that statement, I'm getting a little hazy on the "ignorance" part.

When Terry and I divorced in 1981 and he got custody, Daddy was totally dedicated to calling the boys every other Saturday morning. He was determined to maintain the relationship with his beloved grandsons. Mother, on the other hand, was afraid that Terry would answer the phone when she called and she'd have to talk to him, so she simply didn't call. Inexcusible behavior! How do you let your fear of talking to another person on the phone [!] rob you of a relationship with your grandchildren?!

Over the past ten years, her contact with both her grandsons and her great-grandchildren has become more and more sporadic. She sent TJ a birthday gift ten or twelve years ago and he either didn't write a thank you note or didn't write it within the time period she deemed appropriate, so she has never sent another gift. Again, inexcusible. Who's the adult here?!

What's my point? I believe children and grandchildren are a gift and should be treated accordingly—cherished, loved, supported, encouraged. Ignored? Never! Abandoned? Never! (And if you jump in here and say I abandoned my sons, then you don't know the complete story or fully understand it.)

When I was in therapy in my thirties, my therapist asked me, after about three years of individual therapy, to join a group she ran of about eight women. We all had been severely emotionally damaged by our mothers, and referred to ourselves as "The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers". I've had to remind myself of that character trait many times when Mother works to turn every conversation back to herself.

She doesn't know me. She doesn't appreciate me for who I am and what I've accomplished in my life. She doesn't know my sons, nor see what wonderful men they've grown into. She doesn't know my grandchildren, who are precious beyond belief.

It's her loss.