Holidays Are For Families

Happy Fourth of July

I start the day thinking I'm okay. The Professor is going with me tonight to my friend Klaire's party. That takes guts on his part, and I admire that. I can't tell you the number of men in my past who, having known me two weeks, would not go with me to a party of my friends.

This morning I ran out to Safeway to get the fixings for a carrot salad to take to Klaire's. And as I drive around, I'm aware of how alone in my Tucson life I am. I have friends, I have a date for tonight (Hallelujah!), I have my sweet little house, I have a decent job with a standard crappy Tucson salary. Compared to many other people, I'm great. But I feel alone.

Last night I received in the mail an invitation from John's brother and sister-in-law to my mother-in-law's 100th birthday celebration in Washington on the 15th. I had last night set aside to straighten my home office, and that got preempted by the need to figure out what to do. I called the Professor and left a message on his phone asking him to call me when he got in. He did, listened to my dilemma, and spent over an hour on the phone with me helping me figure out what to do. He listened, he asked appropriate questions, he offered suggestions, he helped me make a decision I was excited about. He behaved as if we were partners. I miss that, I miss having a loving partner in my life, more than words can say.

Fortunately, I had learned from Tyler that afternoon that he and Jaci and the babies will be in Washington that week. And my friend Polly had e-mailed just the day before asking when I was going to be in D.C. again and saying I always had a bedroom at their home. Putting all this together, I decided to take the JetBlue redeye through JFK to Dulles, arriving Friday afternoon. In speaking with Tyler this morning, I will rent a car and head for the Mall, where — by the magic of cell phones — we will meet up in one of the museums and have a few hours together before they head back to Youngstown. Saturday I'll have to myself to go by Arlington National Cemetery, then do whatever touristy things I want and have dinner with friends. I e-mailed Polly today to ask if she and Brian would be in town then. If they're not, I have lots of former Washington Chorus friends who have offered me space when I'm in town. And there's always my cousin in Gaithersburg. I've always been hesitant and shy to ask friends to put me up, but I'm going to spend $600 on this spur-of-the-moment trip, so shyness can just be damned!

I'll attend this party on Sunday, then I'll head for the airport and hunker down in my seat for the long flight through JFK back to Tucson.

But back to today and families. My whole life I have wanted to be included. I've wanted to have a family that loved me. How blessed I am that, through all my missteps as a mother, I have two wonderful sons, a miraculous daughter-in-law, and my two precious grandchildren, all of whom make me feel wanted and loved and cherished. If you're reading this, TJ, Ty and Jaci, thank you. And my family-of-choice — my brother- and sister-in-law and their children, who never forget me.

So why do I feel so alone today? I guess I want the whole day to be a holiday, to include togetherness and activities. I want to be part of a couple. Damn it. I want to be part of a couple. I'll go with the Professor tonight, and we'll behave as a couple would. He's affectionate and a toucher, as I am, and I love that. But I have no entitlements, I have no assurance that we'll have another date after tonight. (I have no reason to think I won't, you understand? I just have no assurance. There are no givens.)

And while I'm driving around, attending to life, feeling alone, I go into Safeway, where all the employees are wearing steel gray Prostate Cancer Awareness shirts. And my eyes well up with tears.

When the Professor came for dinner on Sunday night, he asked if I was still mourning John, still grieving. I don't think I am. I miss him horribly. I wish our life together had been much longer. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of him. But I don't think I'm still mourning.

But on a day like today, I just miss being in a family, being part of a couple, having a connection, feeling like I'm home.

That brings to mind a favorite Billy Joel tune:

You're My Home

When you look into my eyes
and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
it always comes as a surprise
when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.

Well I never had a place
that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

When you touch my weary head
and you tell me everything will be all right.
You say use my body for your bed
and my love will keep you warm throughout the night.

Well I'll never be a stranger
and I'll never be alone
wherever we're together
that's my home.

Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
high up in the hills of California
home is just another word for you.

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

If I travel all my life
and I never get stop and settle down
long as I have you by my side
there's a roof above and good walls all around.
You're my castle, you're my cabin
and my instant pleasure dome.
I need you in my house
cuz you're my home,..
you're my home.


Happy Fourth of July. I hope you're basking in the warmth of family and loved ones today.